I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
