I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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