Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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