I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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