Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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