he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Randomize
