Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
