Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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