Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
