What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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