Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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