Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Randomize
