apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I'm both gender and math confused
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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