tonight lets celebrate not being married
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
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