my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Randomize
