Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
These People Made Expensive Mistakes That They’ll Regret Forever
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
Things The Opposite Sex Just Doesn’t Understand
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten