I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Three words: puerto rican gang bang
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
How does one acquire holy water?
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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