two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
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I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
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It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
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