The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
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