I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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