He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
