If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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