frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
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Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
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Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
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