He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Randomize
