In the future we'll all be gay
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
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