I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Randomize
