you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
