i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
