The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
