My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.