im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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