are we going to glenview for practice??
(3 hrs later) aids
where r u? what is story? im way too high right now
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
