Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
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