I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Randomize
