Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Randomize
