What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Randomize
