i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
