im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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