So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Randomize
