Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
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