Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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