my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
