Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
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Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
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HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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