I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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