This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Randomize
