hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
