I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Randomize