when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
