Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
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