normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
