there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
