dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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