dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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