Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
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