you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
