So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
