You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
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Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
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Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.