Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
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