Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I think I am morally bankrupt
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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