I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
